I have a few back entries to edit and submit but on this rainy day I decided to resume work “job hunt”at home with cheese, pasta and wine.
Well as any intelligent human knows, alcohol creates emotion and Dave; “Crash” put me over the edge.
I was working away on my lap earlier today out front Pompei and just as my battery died my bestie called. The only one who loves me on a regular basis, yes T you call me the most!
We always chat soccer and play catch up from our Sunday games well this past happen to be father’s day. He got to tell me all about his bad ass, which he really is. Kid could have gone pro but chose to be the best dad I know.
We swapped stories of me playing a tournament at Gillette Stadium Saturday and him playing for the Italian team to play another whole 90 min in a Spanish competitive league on Sunday.
Then it got real as it only does with him, he knows my deepest darkest. I happen to text him something cute on father’s day about home fires and that I hope he was having a fantastic day with his fabulous family.
He asked, “Did you talk to yours”. Knowing I had found the long lost ones in Mass, which I did and it was nice.
Then we took a turn somewhere and chatted about my “Dad”. Our damn conversation has been bugging me since we had it.
You want me to be the bigger person, and call him! Yes he is dying of cancer, yes I did love him, yes I do need closure and a piece of me cares.
I did my best to bug out and try to get someone with a father to understand being homeless at eleven, just wanting to play soccer, go to school, write for the newspaper, play my violin; I’m not a bad kid Dad!
Funny thing, all it took to somewhat explain was a simple convo on old school Italian men being he has a paesani as a father too.
What was really hard to fill him in on; the conversation with someone so great, someone that has the same soul as I but such a different up brining.
I told Tony about breakfast chat yesterday where I got so embarrassed and now see so clearly why this person thought I was crazy for so long.
We were talking about diets and how I wanted to fast for a few days. Before I knew it “I sometimes binge eat in my sleep when I’m stressed” was coming out of my mouth.
The look of confusion on his face made me start to babble about when I happen to have a place to stay that is, by then I had dug myself a hole and that’s bugging me too!
I want to be honest with this person I so want to be a legit friend. It just sucks I know he would never understand or accept me for one reason I have heard time and again, “Ang an Italian women is supposed to live at home until marriage or thought to be unworthy”.
I loved you Ken when I was a child where you taught me morals, respect and to put my hand over my heart.
Started as my coach but turned to the man that played me for the win when I always showed up, yet never questioned where I was living or where I had been.
I wondered why you threw me away for many years, resented you for even more and now I have let it go.
I am still super pissed over how much I struggle because I will not be a product of what happened to me.
I hide who I am and people don’t fully question my crazy since I am successful. Most in my shoes are drug addicts, whores and just a damn mess!
Not me; I may cry from hurt, fear of failure but it only lasts for a minute as I can look around and see my accomplishments.
Enjoy that I am truly alone in life but have a full line to the left of haters and you are my #1.
When you threw me out as a child, A CHILD! You read I was running the state track finals in the paper and there in the stands you were. No roof over my head but you can come to watch me run?
In college; yet again no word from you but my team mates convince me to tell you were headed to the national championship. When I do, you read about it again and you’re already on the way.
I wish you no harm, I hope you recover from your cancer but I know why you have it! You hide in the Midwest, you are not strong enough to come home, your heart is not happy so your body is failing.
Life is what it is and I must accept I had a mother and a father who abandon me. It’s enough to explain I am from South Dakota and there is only so much people can understand.
Be the bigger person, I have by not letting my tragic life be just that. You can ask anyone, I am one hell of a strong, positive and talented bitch (well I wish I was more of one, just too damn nice).
Tony you told me to write him a letter and ask one last time “What the Fuck” in general with of course a little more detail.
I would rather do what I have never been able to; put the honesty of my struggle out there and tell you how much I love you. Also, yes I promise when I am rich and famous I, you, Kristen, Lola and Frankie will all reap the benefits!