What a great way to start a week; I just left my 4wk post surgery evaluation with my physical therapist and the results shocked them but not me. A piece of me has felt lazy lately but I knew I needed to heal. I could only take so much time off work and my daily hustle so that stress was what I had to consider the slow by steady pace. I am a high level athlete with a need to compete yet my patience has payed off.
Today I was cleared! Cleared to start running this week (thank god), lateral and cutting next and the following week I’m HITTING THE FIELD! This all up to me now. I have to dig deep. I almost cried at work yesterday knowing I am so overly qualified for where I was. The tears almost fell when this amazing match with Liverpool was on and Steven Gerrard showed such emotion. A man in his later playing years proving he is still one of the games greatest. All I could think about was “fuck picking at the banana bread Ang grab a glass of water” win from within! I am a different person lately which is a large part of this surgical plan. It’s time to do it my way but the right way. I find myself open, honest and speaking my mind. My soul is growing and I am moving past the traumatic things is my past that have held me back for so long.
Since last October I have been creating “The Women of Boston” with someone I considered a friend. This business women’s network has really exploded and going to even more. I have created everything this “friend” wanted with her details even though I thought maybe it should be different. We had decided when we started she was the CEO and I was the President. Well after many hours of work on my end I noticed she has lost interest. I asked her twice before she admitted she wanted to do something else. I was so angry. I immediately told her this was bad business on her end and executed all the steps I warned her to take so no one could steal this from us. Guess I am the one walking away with the business, I will now be putting myself first in all aspects of life.
Friday night I felt the urge to tell off my whatever Megale. Yes there was a history there but nothing that has ever surpassed our extremely strong 11 year friendship. Since he fell in love he’s disappeared. He has always been my rock, the man I compare all to, someone I admire. I was pissed he checked out through my surgery may not have even known. Well he always told me to respect myself so if your gonna tell me you love me and disappear, I’m gonna give you a piece of my mind. That I did, I sent a lengthy bitchy text but left it with friends forever. Sure felt good to stand up for myself, not fear expressing emotion and possibly pushing someone away.
Saturday morning at work I noticed her through the window waiting to be seated. Nicole use to be my sister, go to gal, bestie. It was a ruff relationship that is novel worthy so I will sum it up at, did me wrong and so bad that anytime I see her I explode. I rage and yell things to hurt her, embarrass her. I have never acted that way before, she is known to bring that out in me. I approached her table at one point trying to be the bigger person, bring this all to an end. She was what I thought to be nasty only to later find out was it was me misunderstanding. I flipped then called her a bitch right to her face in front of what was clearly a date. After they left I took a deep breath and went out after her to chat. I let it all go. It was like God was giving me the strength to grow. It was intense to hear what she had to say and my good nature felt for her when she poured out how much she cares. I will entertain the thought of being friendly but I could not explain the high I felt from just saying something that needed to be said for over two years.
So I’m not the best person with relationship, shoot I really don’t even have friends and only a brand new family. I have plenty of people to many to be exact in my life but none that I really stick to, spend that special time with it use to be Nicole, her twin sister and the babies. Well last December I met a great Italian guy of course on a Sunday that fate even put me at the event to begin with. We hit it off right away. I wasn’t fully sure what my interest level was but I knew it was nice. We got along likes peas and carrots, were even saying the same thing at the same time. From there it moved very slow but it was fine. Four months later there has been a few times I’ve been over it and upset being he is distant, such a surprise in a man.
We both are very involved in Boston events and both end up working a fashion show at Bond once a month. Every time I see him my anger fades quickly and we just chat it up and always end up being the last people in the place. Although I have put up a huge wall since I actually liked this guy and he hurt me. I noticed that has changed our dynamics. Last night he actually invited me to a restaurant opening and I went to see what the hell is going on! Again I never got around to asking and just enjoyed. When he dropped me off there wasn’t much in our goodbye but by no means bad. It just wasn’t there. When I got up to my apartment my question was again eating at me. I have never made this move but I called him right up and asked, “Am I wasting my time by being interested in you?”. It was rather uncomfortable but I’m over stressing stupid stuff. The reason I like this guy is we are so open and honest. We were able to talk about it and to have done so, I won’t get angry anymore. Who knows where it will head but I can at least say I have a really great guy in my life in some sort of way and for me that’s big to have cared enough about someone new.
So here I am today 4weeks post surgery, different and ready to start the life I am meant to live. I know I am changing, I can feel it. I have concrete evidence to remind me that it’s real. So to leave off this Player Diary I will quote a famous poem that defines me well.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.
We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us;
It’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.